CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy