*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
britain’s three elite institutions
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.