*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
You Might Also Like
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
is this meant to deter me
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again