Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.