Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
giddy up Office Depot
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it