Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
When your parents check you’re ok.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Strange
who wore it better?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER