Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.