[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Seek kebab; not attention
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty