[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
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me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*looks at you in batman voice*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Yes my dude
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?