[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God