(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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wish me luck lads
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]