(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
The asteroid..
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio