Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises