@juliussharpe: Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don't know karate 3) Rob them
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@KateWhineHall: *runs in place* *cracks knuckles* *stretches neck* *takes a deep breath* *heads toward buffet*
@markleggett: When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
@click4amanda: Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"
@AndyRichter: In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.