A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.