[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
oh my gosh!!
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I’d hang this in my house.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings