This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms