I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
You Might Also Like
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*