*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*