[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er