BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?