BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
me adding lol on a serious message
This is my cat’s medicine.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.