Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
San Francisco has too many rules
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.