_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50