but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list