but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Yeah. This was me today.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT