“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??