“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Lmao
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.