“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
An odd boast
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what