@_sleepysmile: But I love food, why would it want to poison me? :(
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@DaddyJew: "Get off the phone" "Wash your hands" "Pull up your pants" "Make me dinner" My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
@1Happytwit: I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I'm pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.
@kharizzmaaa: Happy Mother's Day to the woman who told me "I could fall out at home" when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14
@UnFitz: Hey girl, are you a check engine light? 'Cause I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me but I have a feeling you're going to ruin my day.