When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Potatoes were such a good idea
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*