But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.