@XplodingUnicorn: Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

@JessObsess: [drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can't we go back to how things were? OBAMA: How did you get this number?

@hipchkk: I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"

@elwaytotheend: Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

@alisha_foley: Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better.