Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.