“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!