Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
what are they serving at kfc then???
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.