But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You Might Also Like
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*