But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Breaking news:
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
🚲+physics = winner
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell