But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…