When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
she has a point
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Yup!