but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what