make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Goodnight 🐶
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out