I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
The Joker was right
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up