But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
ME (calling my horse with no name):
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me