BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Danger is very dangerous
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐