“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The Weeknd is back
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Come back with a warrant
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm