Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”