@BobScottCPA: But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
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@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
@TuffyNyC: My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
@Lisa_Laughs_: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".