Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The USS B port
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever