[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
This is why I don’t delete Facebook