But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe