But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.