@jwoodham: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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@TheBoydP: Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don't remember doing it.
@NotThatNixon: Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.