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@ThingsIGrewUpOn: But that's none of my business
@omgthatspunny: No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
@WheelTod: I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said "I don't think this is going anywhere."
@UrbanDouchebag: Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
@shkeeber: I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.
Do you have any cookies?
@withanewname: "SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?"
"SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!"
"SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?"
Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."