@ThingsIGrewUpOn: But that's none of my business
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@usermcuserface: I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this.
@WGladstone: When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
@FatherWithTwins: If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there's a 150% chance they'll hit me in the face with it.